Recipe #26: Roasted Beer and Lime Cauliflower Tacos with Cilantro Coleslaw

Yes you read that right. Roasted BEER and lime cauli...whatever the rest is.  Mrs. Boyardee had me sold on this recipe two words in. I may have said "you had me at beer" but then that would show that I know & have watched & referenced a chick flick so I refrained. I don't think Mrs. Boyardee would even get that reference and that means I most likely have watched more chick flicks than her....but Tom Cruise is dreamy so thats alright.

You know what else is alright? This recipe, thats what. The recipe calls for 3/4 cup of beer so of course I bought a 24. I wanted to make sure we had enough. The recipe didn't specify what kind of beer, it just said no stouts or heavy beers. Luckily I have sampled one or two beers in my lifetime and knew a thing or two. We decided to use my fathers favourite, Miller Genuine Draft or MGD as the pros refer to it.

First we cut the cauliflower into florets (A name given to tiny cauliflower pieces) and I was able to do that no sweat. It said to first warm the beer in a saucepan. I suggested we try to warm it in my mouth first but after two to four....teen attempts we decided a saucepan was best. Ms. Boyardee warmed the beer with veggie broth, lime juice, tamarin, sriracha and of course garlic in the saucepan for a couple minutes then added the cauliflower.

We added the spices to the mixture  which included chilli powder, smoked paprika, cumin (make sure you pronounce this correctly), garlic powder, and salt. We then stirred it "'til those fuckers are coated" and put it in the oven at 400 degrees for about 20 minutes.

During this 20 minutes we then got to make the coleslaw cause we are the most efficient humans possible.  The slaw contains green cabbage, small carrot (into stupid matchsticks), lime juice, rice vinegar, olive oil, salt and cilantro. Go easy on the cilantro cause too much can be overpowering.

DING DING DING, wow perfect timing, slaw is done as the cauliflower finishes. Like I planned it or something... By 'I' , I clearly mean Mrs. Boyardee. I was busy sampling more beers. We heated the tortillas up, tossed the cauliflower mixture in with some slaw and topped it with some sliced avocado, salsa, and greek plain yogurt.  This thing was UNREAL but it just needed a little fromage (thats french for cheese), and that comment may be a common theme of this blog.

Please note the delicate skill of cutting the avocados. Yea that was me. Now before you scroll down. Let's let you be the judge of who the better hand model is.

Notice the cocked wrist, saucy fingers, and general disarray in her form. Ms. Boyardee better stick to her day job. Extra points given to her for the ROCK on her finger though. Her husband must be humble.....

Wow. Neutral hand positioning and wrist, perfect finger position. UNREAL food placement. I think there's a future for me in the hand modelling business. 

Mrs. B: 8/10

J: 7.5/10

Recipe #25: Cauliflower Cream Pasta with fresh herbs

Why hello there.  How are you? Me? Oh I've just been great thanks for asking. Why hasn't there been a post in over a year? Mostly because I've been busy with work and going to the movies, and watching paint dry and oh ya....we also had a baby. Thats right, Ms. Boyardee and I welcomed a cute bundle of joy in February 2016  and by cute....I mean...the gerber baby had to watch its back if it knows what's good for it/her/him...I'm not sure of the gender. She...yes she....our daughter looks like a hollywood star at the age of 9 months and already has more followers than me on Instagram. We stopped blogging during the pregnancy mostly because Ms. Boyardee couldn't stand the sight, smell or taste of vegetables. This is mildly inconvenient for a vegetarian I suppose.  We made one meal during the ten months of pregnancy and after taking about three bites she demanded that I throw out all of the food, her bowl, my bowl, the leftovers, and the tin the leftovers were in. Luckily I convinced her to keep the fridge. She was always nauseous and her sense of smell was at a superhero level. I had to re-apply deodorant every 15 minutes.  In other news, we got hitched in October 2016. Ms. Boyardee is now MRS. Boyardee and her and I will be making meals together until all they consist of is prunes, soda crackers and Werthers Originals.

But WAIT, holy shit there's 4500 views on this page. Why the hell do people read this more after I stop writing then when we were actively writing. It's cool that I can see where anyone who reads this is from. We got viewers from Russia, Turkey, Germany, and Ukraine. I literally know one person from Germany and that's it....Hey Thies. Hopefully more people accidentally stumble upon this while looking for pornography as I''m assuming that's where most of the views are coming from anyways.

Mrs. Boyardee and I....she's my wife you see....I added the 'R' there.....that means we're married now, well her and I also got a new cookbook we've been working from. It's called "Thug Kitchen: Eat like you give a f*ck" and it is right up our alley as it has copious amount of swear words throughout the instructions. I normally swear when cooking anyways so BONUS that this book tells me to "cook that shit up"...verbatim.

This recipe was one we chose cause it resembled an Alfredo Pasta sauce. I love Alfredo sauce. So much so that we almost named our daughter Alfredo....it's got a nice ring to it in my opinion. Too bad one teaspoon of Alfredo sauce is equal to me beer bonging sticks of butter. Ever tried to exercise after eating an Alfredo pasta dish? I'm lucky if I can assume a horizontal position and maintain a pulse. I would call it a heavy-set meal to say the least. So...Alfredo taste, without the boiler? Sign me up.

During this recipe I maintained my usual sous-chef role and got to boil the water while Mrs. Boyardee prepped all the ingredients. Now when you boil water, you want to first put water in a pot, then you want to put that pot on the stove and turn it on high. Cooking is hard. But seriously I had to do that shit simultaneously while boiling the pasta AND the cauliflower in separate pots. I know....I know....I'm very skilled.

While I was tending to my waters, Mrs. Boyardee prepared the broccoli, asparagus, and prepped the rest of the sauce which included milk, garlic, miso paste, olive oil, lemon, and salt. I mean....I could have done that but then who would have looked after my waters? The broccoli and asparagus were steamed. When the pasta was done we added it to some raw spinach and the hot pasta was SUPPOSED to wilt it.....it did not. We added the boiled cauliflower to the sauce mixture in the food processor and "let that motherfucker run until it's creamy". We then added the pasta (with raw spinach), the "Alfredo" sauce, and the steamed veggies into a large bowl and then I got to work.

Now when your stirring a large pot, you want to use your one hand to support the pan....and the other to support your wine glass while you watch Mrs. Boyardee stir it. You'll screw it up somehow...just stick to your waters. When it's all mixed you serve it with some parsley and black pepper on top.

The dish was actually very good but when we do it again we said we would WILT the spinach before mixing it, add some red pepper for some sweetness and also add CHEESE instead of parsley. Alfredo sauce is pure cheese....and I know this is supposed to be the healthy version but a liittttlle  bit of cheese as a garnish would go a long way. The sauce has the richness and texture of Alfredo sauce but damn.....cheese.....mmmmmmmmmm.

Mrs. B: 5/10 "needs to be saltier, creamier, and the spinach needed to be wiltier"

J: 6.5/10 Throw some cheese on it and it would be a solid 7.5.

P.S. Notice our new salt and pepper shakers.....Mrs. Boyardee clearly wanted them portrayed in this above photo. Her photography skills have weakened with disuse though....I may have to expand my water boiling skills to take over this job.