Recipe #26: Roasted Beer and Lime Cauliflower Tacos with Cilantro Coleslaw

Yes you read that right. Roasted BEER and lime cauli...whatever the rest is.  Mrs. Boyardee had me sold on this recipe two words in. I may have said "you had me at beer" but then that would show that I know & have watched & referenced a chick flick so I refrained. I don't think Mrs. Boyardee would even get that reference and that means I most likely have watched more chick flicks than her....but Tom Cruise is dreamy so thats alright.

You know what else is alright? This recipe, thats what. The recipe calls for 3/4 cup of beer so of course I bought a 24. I wanted to make sure we had enough. The recipe didn't specify what kind of beer, it just said no stouts or heavy beers. Luckily I have sampled one or two beers in my lifetime and knew a thing or two. We decided to use my fathers favourite, Miller Genuine Draft or MGD as the pros refer to it.

First we cut the cauliflower into florets (A name given to tiny cauliflower pieces) and I was able to do that no sweat. It said to first warm the beer in a saucepan. I suggested we try to warm it in my mouth first but after two to four....teen attempts we decided a saucepan was best. Ms. Boyardee warmed the beer with veggie broth, lime juice, tamarin, sriracha and of course garlic in the saucepan for a couple minutes then added the cauliflower.

We added the spices to the mixture  which included chilli powder, smoked paprika, cumin (make sure you pronounce this correctly), garlic powder, and salt. We then stirred it "'til those fuckers are coated" and put it in the oven at 400 degrees for about 20 minutes.

During this 20 minutes we then got to make the coleslaw cause we are the most efficient humans possible.  The slaw contains green cabbage, small carrot (into stupid matchsticks), lime juice, rice vinegar, olive oil, salt and cilantro. Go easy on the cilantro cause too much can be overpowering.

DING DING DING, wow perfect timing, slaw is done as the cauliflower finishes. Like I planned it or something... By 'I' , I clearly mean Mrs. Boyardee. I was busy sampling more beers. We heated the tortillas up, tossed the cauliflower mixture in with some slaw and topped it with some sliced avocado, salsa, and greek plain yogurt.  This thing was UNREAL but it just needed a little fromage (thats french for cheese), and that comment may be a common theme of this blog.

Please note the delicate skill of cutting the avocados. Yea that was me. Now before you scroll down. Let's let you be the judge of who the better hand model is.

Notice the cocked wrist, saucy fingers, and general disarray in her form. Ms. Boyardee better stick to her day job. Extra points given to her for the ROCK on her finger though. Her husband must be humble.....

Wow. Neutral hand positioning and wrist, perfect finger position. UNREAL food placement. I think there's a future for me in the hand modelling business. 

Mrs. B: 8/10

J: 7.5/10

Recipe #25: Cauliflower Cream Pasta with fresh herbs

Why hello there.  How are you? Me? Oh I've just been great thanks for asking. Why hasn't there been a post in over a year? Mostly because I've been busy with work and going to the movies, and watching paint dry and oh ya....we also had a baby. Thats right, Ms. Boyardee and I welcomed a cute bundle of joy in February 2016  and by cute....I mean...the gerber baby had to watch its back if it knows what's good for it/her/him...I'm not sure of the gender. She...yes she....our daughter looks like a hollywood star at the age of 9 months and already has more followers than me on Instagram. We stopped blogging during the pregnancy mostly because Ms. Boyardee couldn't stand the sight, smell or taste of vegetables. This is mildly inconvenient for a vegetarian I suppose.  We made one meal during the ten months of pregnancy and after taking about three bites she demanded that I throw out all of the food, her bowl, my bowl, the leftovers, and the tin the leftovers were in. Luckily I convinced her to keep the fridge. She was always nauseous and her sense of smell was at a superhero level. I had to re-apply deodorant every 15 minutes.  In other news, we got hitched in October 2016. Ms. Boyardee is now MRS. Boyardee and her and I will be making meals together until all they consist of is prunes, soda crackers and Werthers Originals.

But WAIT, holy shit there's 4500 views on this page. Why the hell do people read this more after I stop writing then when we were actively writing. It's cool that I can see where anyone who reads this is from. We got viewers from Russia, Turkey, Germany, and Ukraine. I literally know one person from Germany and that's it....Hey Thies. Hopefully more people accidentally stumble upon this while looking for pornography as I''m assuming that's where most of the views are coming from anyways.

Mrs. Boyardee and I....she's my wife you see....I added the 'R' there.....that means we're married now, well her and I also got a new cookbook we've been working from. It's called "Thug Kitchen: Eat like you give a f*ck" and it is right up our alley as it has copious amount of swear words throughout the instructions. I normally swear when cooking anyways so BONUS that this book tells me to "cook that shit up"...verbatim.

This recipe was one we chose cause it resembled an Alfredo Pasta sauce. I love Alfredo sauce. So much so that we almost named our daughter Alfredo....it's got a nice ring to it in my opinion. Too bad one teaspoon of Alfredo sauce is equal to me beer bonging sticks of butter. Ever tried to exercise after eating an Alfredo pasta dish? I'm lucky if I can assume a horizontal position and maintain a pulse. I would call it a heavy-set meal to say the least. So...Alfredo taste, without the boiler? Sign me up.

During this recipe I maintained my usual sous-chef role and got to boil the water while Mrs. Boyardee prepped all the ingredients. Now when you boil water, you want to first put water in a pot, then you want to put that pot on the stove and turn it on high. Cooking is hard. But seriously I had to do that shit simultaneously while boiling the pasta AND the cauliflower in separate pots. I know....I know....I'm very skilled.

While I was tending to my waters, Mrs. Boyardee prepared the broccoli, asparagus, and prepped the rest of the sauce which included milk, garlic, miso paste, olive oil, lemon, and salt. I mean....I could have done that but then who would have looked after my waters? The broccoli and asparagus were steamed. When the pasta was done we added it to some raw spinach and the hot pasta was SUPPOSED to wilt it.....it did not. We added the boiled cauliflower to the sauce mixture in the food processor and "let that motherfucker run until it's creamy". We then added the pasta (with raw spinach), the "Alfredo" sauce, and the steamed veggies into a large bowl and then I got to work.

Now when your stirring a large pot, you want to use your one hand to support the pan....and the other to support your wine glass while you watch Mrs. Boyardee stir it. You'll screw it up somehow...just stick to your waters. When it's all mixed you serve it with some parsley and black pepper on top.

The dish was actually very good but when we do it again we said we would WILT the spinach before mixing it, add some red pepper for some sweetness and also add CHEESE instead of parsley. Alfredo sauce is pure cheese....and I know this is supposed to be the healthy version but a liittttlle  bit of cheese as a garnish would go a long way. The sauce has the richness and texture of Alfredo sauce but damn.....cheese.....mmmmmmmmmm.

Mrs. B: 5/10 "needs to be saltier, creamier, and the spinach needed to be wiltier"

J: 6.5/10 Throw some cheese on it and it would be a solid 7.5.

P.S. Notice our new salt and pepper shakers.....Mrs. Boyardee clearly wanted them portrayed in this above photo. Her photography skills have weakened with disuse though....I may have to expand my water boiling skills to take over this job.

Recipe #666: Eggs

So we had a little bit of an incident just occur and I thought it best that I narrate what happened, mostly for the pleasure of all our followers but also just in case the police find my body...and they will have this as written evidence.

The Boyardee family graciously bought us a egg poacher for Easter...little did they know that buying Ms. Boyardee an AK-47 would have been a safer choice for me and the rest of Ottawa's population. Ms. Boyardee awoke from sleeping after a night shift and I suggested using our new egg poacher to make some breakfast...my fault I know.

I came out from the shower and she happily handed me two eggs and had two of her own ready and waiting. When I cut into my egg, I noticed it was slliiiightly undercooked....but I would have eaten it...along with a dozen raw eggs...instead of showing Ms. Boyardee that her eggs were slightly undercooked. She however.....did notice...(DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN) she first thought it was only one egg and quickly asked "getmeanotherbowlLIKENOW".....she added "like now" on the end because I was already late in doing what she wanted before she finished her sentence.

I Hussain Bolted to the cupboard, got a bowl and she transferred her one "good" egg into it....crisis averted....WRONG...she cut into that egg....which was also undercooked and HELL BROKE LOSE. I think she blacked out right about then but luckily I was a witness. She screamed....said some things that make Gordon Ramsey look like a nursery rhyme reader and threw her eggs and toast across the counter and into the sink.

I quickly threw my food in the microwave so she couldn't use it as a projectile and very smoothly pulled her butter knife away from her immediate area. I cleaned up all the mess as Ms. Boyardee was busy making another batch of poached eggs. I insisted that my eggs were OK once they were microwaved and she said "Thats like eating SHIT".....cooked eggs and shit....very comparable...obviously. She then ripped my toast out of my hand insisting it too was undercooked and I let her know it was fine. She had already, in her food rage, put more bread in the toaster (hers was underwater in the sink) however "had not planned" and this toast would be cold once her eggs were ready....I volunteered to eat it...mostly to avoid being single.

Her second batch....was done...and prior to plating them I had a discussion with her as to what will occur if those two eggs aren't perfect...she responded "I'll kill everyone".....I wish that wasn't a direct quote. Luckily these eggs were perfection and I doted on her every need for the next 10 minutes....ketchup? yes ma'am, water? yes ma'am. Diffusing is somewhat of a gift of mine...however some bombs...or bombshells....cannot be diffused at times.

We when debriefed about the incident, she insisted that her response was her "controlled rage". She told me that if she hadn't "controlled" herself or if I wasn't there as a witness, "eggs would have been across the room...not in the sink...the poacher would be in the garbage and I wouldn't eat eggs again for 8 months". I pray that we never see her "uncontrolled" rage....if I do....you won't be hearing from me.

Recipes #23 & #24: Roasted Beets and Edamame with Arugula & Coconut Lime Souffle

Ms. Boyardee and I have been talking about making a soufflé for awhile now as it is supposed to be incredibly difficulty, and it was time we stepped our game up. We decided on a regular old delicious beet salad for the other recipe and cracked a bottle of wine and got to work.

The beet salad called for roasted edamame and golden beets ( the title of my next rap album). It was fairly simple, all we had to do was drizzle shelled edamame with olive oil, salt and pepper, and then roast it in the oven for 25 minutes or until golden (my second rap album title). We couldn't find golden beets so we instead just used regular red beets and needed to drizzle them in olive oil and roast them for a about an hour.  The hour and a half we had for roasting allowed for plenty of time to drink wine and....listen to frank sinatra...and drink wine....and did I mention wine? When the roasting is finished we add the edamame and beets with olive oil, vinegar and some arugula. The roasted edamame act like bean croutons and the only change I would have made is to add cheese ( this is a common theme of mine).

The soufflé was exactly what it is made out to be.....pretty damn hard. Now we all know Ms. Boyardee has the patience of a saint, unless of course she is in the kitchen, then her patience is similar to that of Gordon Ramsey of Hell's Kitchen.....but chef Gordon swears less.  We had to mix coconut milk, lime zest, and started heating it up, we then added Ms. Boyardee's dreaded corn meal. For some reason, Ms. Boyardee hates corn meal...its smell, texture, and name. I therefore had to handle the corn meal as she compared it to "scratching a chalkboard times a million"....it's more like.....weird flour to me. While I was whisking that mixture Ms. Boyardee separated some egg whites and eggs yolks. I took my heated mixture and had to slowly pour it into the egg yolks so that they wouldn't cook. Once the whole thing was mixed we then put in back on low heat and whisked some more. I whisked so much I didn't have to go to the gym that day....or the previous 6 months prior....and probably all summer....Anyways we then had to let that mixture set and cool in the fridge...which allowed ample time to refill on the wine. Note below...the man bun and tongue out, this is the proper whisking technique required.

When it cooled, sugar was added to the egg yolks and it was whisked into a meringue type mixture. We mixed both mixtures together and put it all into ramekins with more lime zest. We put the ramekins into the oven and set the timer. Now for all intensive purposes, I will say that there may have been a mishap with the oven settings but I also don't want to be murdered so I will say it was my fault. We....sorry....IIII had it on the wrong setting and although it rose a lot and looks great...only the top half was cooked through. Im still working on getting Ms. Boyardee to try another soufflé recipe and will ensure all sharp objects are put away when we try it....but I'm sure well nail it next time....maybe we didn't have enough wine.

Recipe # 20 & #21 & #22: Monster Mash & Homemade Pasta & Veggie Quesadillas

There has been a little bit of a lapse in the blogs lately, not for our lack of cooking but for our lacking of cooking...from the cookbooks. Ms. Boyardee has been a pinterest champion and bringing home a million recipes to try out on her day off, so screw it....I'm going to go really wild and off the walls and blog about non-cookbook related meals....badass I know.

Monster Mash: I came up with the name for these ridiculously good mashed potatoes and it is a pre-requisite that you have to be listening to the "Monster Mash" song while eating them. First thing on the list: Purple Potatoes. Ms. Boyardee picked these babies up at the grocery store and I was flabbergasted (it's a word) as I had never seen these things before. She steamed the potatoes up, mashed them together with some kale, and added some mozzarella cheese. We saw a similar recipe at Ms. Boyardees favourite restaurant, The Green Door, before, but she had to add her frankenstein twist of purpleness. I added some Sriracha for a little kick and they were a graveyard smash...great side to any meal....or a massive bowl as a main in my case.

Homemade Pasta: Ms. Boyardee and I have been making homemade pasta.....from SCRATCH.....for a couple of years now but we haven't broken out the pasta machine in a while and one night we cracked open a bottle of red, threw some Fats Domino on the music machine and went to work ( Fats Domino...how could you not listen to a man named Fats Domino when cooking...it just fits). I didn't think we should blog about it but Ms. Boyardee said homemade pasta is "cool". If that's cool....consider me Justin Bieber ( I'm assuming our fans are mostly 12 year old girls.....I may be a belieber too).

The recipe is simple for the pasta: shitload of flour shaped into a bowl, add eggs, veggie stock, olive oil and mix slowly together until its in a ball....it takes awhile. We add spices, garlic and oregano which gets rolled into the pasta and looks pretty cool. You let the pasta sit for about 20 minutes, then you quarter the pasta ball and run it through the pasta machine. You need a wide set (like my woman**) configuration on the pasta roller and sloooooowly decrease it making it thinner and thinner until it's pasta size. Ms. Boyardee and I then added the pasta cutter and made our own fettuccine noodles. To dry them...we used our own coat hangers and hung them on our key hooks*. Because it's fresh...It takes two seconds to cook, we then made our homemade sauce, the meal was so good I think Mr. Boyardee may be looking for Ms. Boayrdee's recipe.

* Side note...we went out for drinks afterwards and came back to some of our dried hung pasta on the floor....our dog oscar....who is a tiny Weiner dog ( badass I know) jumped up and ate some raw pasta...make sure you refrain from making this mistake.

**Ms. Boyardee is far from wide-set but insisted I keep that joke

Veggie Quesadilla (pronounced K-saw-Dill-Ah): This recipe is pretty simple and is one of Ms. Boyardee's pinterest ventures, Goat cheese, mozzarella and a veggie mix (onions, peppers, eggplant, garlic, zucchini, portobello mushrooms) between two whole wheat pitas. The reason we wanted to try this was to use our BBQ for the first time this year. We cracked a beer, threw the quesadillas on and waited....and waited.....and waited.... after 35 minutes we then determined with a genius mind that the propane was low. Ms. Boyardee who may be a little particular in her food endeavours...insisted on broiling them after the BBQ to get a crisp on them...I was banned from eating them until a crispiness up to Ms. Boyardee's standards was met. I fainted from hunger...but when I awoke....they tasted CRISPY and delicious. 

Recipe #18 & #19: Black Bean Tortas with Coconut Chipotle Mayo & Broiled Zucchini with Yogurt Sauce

Oh...hot...dayuum...I have been looking forward to this recipe for awhile now. We got the "Thug Kitchen" cookbook for christmas and I've had my eye on this recipe like a fat kid on cake...or like a Joel on the Mcdonalds menu. The new CBO (chicken bacon onion) sandwich ads have been taking their toll. The Thug Kitchen cookbook is kind of amazing...and Ms. Boyardee likes it because the language they use ( mostly profanity) is similar to the language she and I use when in the kitchen.

The opening line for the black bean torta is verbatim "Make this motherf*cker STAT and see what your narrow sandwich world has been missing".  If someone were so ask me my favourite meal, I would probably have to say a sandwich (The fact that Netflix has paired me with Friends and I've been watching Joey Tribiani for the last 3 weeks may have had an influence). This sandwich is.....unreal by any other name.

Black Bean Torta: First we have to start with the sauce: coconut chipotle mayo.....COCONUT CHIPOTLE MAYO.....I can hear your salivary glands excreting as I write this. You add coconut milk, chipotle hot sauce, olive oil, chia seeds (to thicken it), lemon juice, garlic powder and salt. You mix all of the ingredients in a food processor and then put it in the fridge to cool. I was worried about the sauce...I voice my opinions to her about it not being thick enough....she directed me to the Thug Kitchen cookbook which told me to " Put it in the fridge. It will thicken, just f*cking be patient".

The "meat" of the sandwich is a black bean puree with onions, chili powder, cumin, a whole lotta black beans,  veggie broth, and lime juice. We top the sandwich with red onions, tomatoes, avocados and lettuce. The result of the combination of all the ingredients was one of our favourite recipes yet.

Ms. B: 9/10

J: 9.1/10

Broiled Zucchini with Yogurt Sauce: One of the things that I've noticed since becoming a vegetarian is how delicious a simple meal with just veggies can be. Broiled zucchini and a yogurt sauce, the sauce contained low fat yogurt, lemon juice, ground coriander, and ground mustard. You garnish with cilantro and you get a delicious side to any meal. As good as this side was, and it wassss good... it took a backseat to this sandwich (please see above).

Ms. B: 7/10

J: 7/10

Recipe #16 & #17: Portobello Gratins & Creamy Peanut Slaw

Ms. Boyardee and I tried to plan a dinner outing for Valentine's day....and then with all the closed menu's and overbooked restaurants we decided why not just make our own Valentines day dinner so I KNOW the food will be good and I KNOW I won't break the bank with the amount of wine we consume. It also allows us to used two different recipes which makes for an obviously nail-biting blog read....calm down...we'll get through this together.

Lets start with the Portobello Gratins...which I have decided, based on this recipe...will now be my middle name. Portobello mushrooms have really become my main "meat" substitute. Friends of mine can recall BBQs last summer and while they had juice double cheeseburgers I was content with my Portobello Burger (this term used loosely) with goat cheese. Now this recipe is basically shrooms on shrooms on shrooms...and not the kind that gives you hallucinations ....although the wine consumed that night could have had similar impacts.

You bake portobello mushrooms in a little oil for 25 minutes after removing the stems from the caps. Meanwhile you cut up shiitake, cremini, and portobello stems and then cook them down with some chives, parsley, shallots, wine (which was difficult to find), and heavy (whipping) cream. Just an fyi....anything with whipping cream in it...is going to taste amazing....its non-whipped whipped cream I mean...come on. You then remove the portobello caps from the oven, fill the caps with the delicious non-whipped cream/wine mushroom mixture and top it with bread crumbs, parmesan and more parsley. Broil for 2 minutes and make SURE you're seated when you take a bite...it's that good.

Ms. B: 9.9/10

J: 9.91/10

We decided to make a side of slaw and we got this wicked vegan recipe from another vegetarian cookbook "Thug Kitchen: Eat Like You Guve a F*ck". Well sir....I believe I do give some f*cks...and so we have to include recipes from this book from time to time too. This slaw portion is made up of red (looks purple to me) and green cabbage, carrots cut into matchsticks (ugh...again), and green onions. The delicious sauce is made up of peanut butter (extra smooth), rice vinegar, lime juice, fresh ginger, soy sauce and Sriracha. The result was the creamy sauce that started out tasting like peanuts, then got tangy and finished with some spice. We made a double batch and I have had it for breakfast and lunch today so far....and its even better the second day.

Tonight we plan to go out for dinner for valentines day round 2....but I expect I may be disappointed unless portobello gratins are a special.

Ms. B: 7/10

J: 8/10