So we had a little bit of an incident just occur and I thought it best that I narrate what happened, mostly for the pleasure of all our followers but also just in case the police find my body...and they will have this as written evidence.
The Boyardee family graciously bought us a egg poacher for Easter...little did they know that buying Ms. Boyardee an AK-47 would have been a safer choice for me and the rest of Ottawa's population. Ms. Boyardee awoke from sleeping after a night shift and I suggested using our new egg poacher to make some breakfast...my fault I know.
I came out from the shower and she happily handed me two eggs and had two of her own ready and waiting. When I cut into my egg, I noticed it was slliiiightly undercooked....but I would have eaten it...along with a dozen raw eggs...instead of showing Ms. Boyardee that her eggs were slightly undercooked. She however.....did notice...(DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN) she first thought it was only one egg and quickly asked "getmeanotherbowlLIKENOW".....she added "like now" on the end because I was already late in doing what she wanted before she finished her sentence.
I Hussain Bolted to the cupboard, got a bowl and she transferred her one "good" egg into it....crisis averted....WRONG...she cut into that egg....which was also undercooked and HELL BROKE LOSE. I think she blacked out right about then but luckily I was a witness. She screamed....said some things that make Gordon Ramsey look like a nursery rhyme reader and threw her eggs and toast across the counter and into the sink.
I quickly threw my food in the microwave so she couldn't use it as a projectile and very smoothly pulled her butter knife away from her immediate area. I cleaned up all the mess as Ms. Boyardee was busy making another batch of poached eggs. I insisted that my eggs were OK once they were microwaved and she said "Thats like eating SHIT".....cooked eggs and shit....very comparable...obviously. She then ripped my toast out of my hand insisting it too was undercooked and I let her know it was fine. She had already, in her food rage, put more bread in the toaster (hers was underwater in the sink) however "had not planned" and this toast would be cold once her eggs were ready....I volunteered to eat it...mostly to avoid being single.
Her second batch....was done...and prior to plating them I had a discussion with her as to what will occur if those two eggs aren't perfect...she responded "I'll kill everyone".....I wish that wasn't a direct quote. Luckily these eggs were perfection and I doted on her every need for the next 10 minutes....ketchup? yes ma'am, water? yes ma'am. Diffusing is somewhat of a gift of mine...however some bombs...or bombshells....cannot be diffused at times.
We when debriefed about the incident, she insisted that her response was her "controlled rage". She told me that if she hadn't "controlled" herself or if I wasn't there as a witness, "eggs would have been across the room...not in the sink...the poacher would be in the garbage and I wouldn't eat eggs again for 8 months". I pray that we never see her "uncontrolled" rage....if I do....you won't be hearing from me.
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