Playoffs and Recipe #6 & #7- White Cheddar Corn Chowder & Wild Mushroom and Garlic Bruschetta

We are now over the 1,000 view mark for Transformeation and I am convinced that more than just Ms. Boyardee and my mom are fans at this point. The website even indicates that people from Russia, South Korea and Ukraine have unfortunately ( and probably drunkenly) stumbled upon my little blog and most likely immediately clicked onto the back button.... but MAYBE juuuuust MAYBE they are now vegetarians completely and solely thanks to this blog. A guy can hope.

This post is going to include yet another very embarrassing story and then an absolutely delicious couple of recipes that, in my opinion, have been the best yet.

Playoffs- I don't know what it is about these embarrassing moments that have happened since starting the blog, but according to Ms. Boyardee, I needed to blog this event despite feeling like a complete idiot. Playoffs are my favourite time of year. They are an excuse to not shave and then drink beer on pretty much every night of the week. Our team had gone pretty much unbeaten during the season and now, it came down to the final game. This league is the beer league of all beer leagues because the winner of the playoffs actually gets a full keg of beer...and I was thirsty. I play defense and had racked up a lot of blocked shots in the post-season, which left my body black and blue. My equipment is more tape then actual material and I think that may have contributed to the debilitating  injury I'm about to describe.

It was about halfway through the second period ( there's only two periods in beer league)  and the puck squeezed out into the slot. My brother is the goalie and I had almost zero confidence that he would make the stop so I stupidly slide over and blocked a slap shot from about 4 feet away...right....in the..groin area. Groin area is the term I used to tell my bosses the next day why I wasn't coming into work. The correct anatomical term would be, head of the penis.

Immediately the ref blew the play dead, and I was yelling out for an ambulance but only a small majority of people thought that would be necessary for a bruised penis. While yelling,  I made my way to the bench and immediately into the dressing room, where I took off my helmet (hindsight 20/20, this was a mistake). I then mentally prepared myself for what I thought would be a scene under my jock reminiscent of a Saw movie. It wasn't to that extent, but it did not look good. My father, who comes to the momentous games, came into the dressing room as I was examining the damage. I remember going into shock, and feeling dizzy but insisting I had to pee what I thought would be 97% blood. The next thing I remember is my dad dragging me across the room, penis out, as I had passed out...fallen...bit through my tongue and hit my head on the ground. That's right, I got hit the penis so hard I passed out. All the guys reading this (which I'm assuming is maybe one), just cringed a little. The aftermath, once I had iced the area, was to figure out how to drink a beer without letting it touch my swollen tongue, and finding the correct wording to tell Ms. Boyardee we would have to adopt. All is well now and I have two weeks off before my next game, I'm going to invest in a goalie jock.

Onto the recipes:
White Cheddar Corn Chowder: This recipe tastes even better than it sounds. Sweet corn? Yes please. White Cheddar? Never better. But combined...unbelievable tasting recipe. Ms. Boyardee insisted I participate more in this recipe as she thinks I make myself sound incompetent on the blog. I love how she believes I'm not incompetent. I cut garlic ( the recipe didn't call for garlic so of course Ms. Boyardee added 3 cloves), the potatoes, and celery, smashed the spices ( smashed is the proper culinary term I think), and even shucked the corn. Shuck is a very weird term with obvious possible innuendos that I may now take advantage of.  Usually I shuck very fast to get the job done as quickly as possible. Shucking usually leaves a huge mess everywhere, but this time I cleaned up as I shucked. I chose to shuck slowly, and really enjoy the shucking, and I think it really came out in this recipe. OK, now more shucking jokes. This recipe is basically a combination of potatoes, celery, onions, milk and spices and then at the last second you add the sweet corn. You then puree only a portion of the chowder so that it is still chunky. You top it with an unhealthy amount of white cheddar and pepper and it is UNREAL.

The picture was a tough one to reproduce. We didn't have any yellow napkins, so I convinced Ms. Boyardee that white was OK. Then came the wooden pepper shaker in the picture, which we don't own. Ms. Boyardee ALMOST got me to break out my widdling kit and fashion one from a stump in the backyard but instead, we used a paper representation. There was again, a need for a hand model, I obliged.

Rating:

Ms.B: 4/10 "you don't need a comment every time Joel"
J: 7/10 " A must try" (Very food critic-y)


Wild Mushroom and Garlic Bruschetta- I am a sucker for bruschetta and this book gives a recipes for a delicious original  bruschetta and then SIX alternatives. I'm thinking bruschetta party. This one is really simple. Toast some baguette, cook up a melange ( yeah I said melange) of mushroom types, add garlic, add thyme, and your left with a delicious appetizer. We chose cremini mushrooms and oyster mushrooms for the recipe. We chose oyster mushrooms for the recipe instead of recommended enoki mushrooms because A) the grocery store was out of enoki mushrooms and B) enoki mushrooms look like small penises and I was still having some PTSD from the above playoff event. All you do is cook down the mushrooms with a little garlic. Meanwhile we toasted the baguette slices. They were a little "well-done" and Ms. Boyardee almost threw out our oven. She did manage to save them with a little scraping and my convincing that crispier was better. You then rub raw garlic on the toasted baguette pieces and put all the cooked mushrooms on top. The last piece is a couple leaves of thyme on each one and the time really adds the needed kick to them. Unfortunately, we needed maybe 20 tiny leaves of thyme but still needed to purchase a whole bush worth because that's the only way they're available.  Either way a definite easy recipe that's worth a try.

Both recipes were SLAM DUNKs in my mind. In a couple weeks, Ms. Boyardee will be going to New Orleans ( pronounced Naw-lins) and I've deiced to try a recipe on my own. If there's no blog afterwards it's probably because I have failed and burnt my house down. Wish me luck.

Rating:

Ms. B: 7/10 You know it's gotta be good if she rates it that high!
J: 8/10 Better than normal bruschetta…ya I said it

The Yoga Incident & Recipe #5- Spiced Tofu with Wilted Spinach and Yogurt

I'm going to start with the recipe and then get to a pretty embarrassing event that recently occurred.
Spiced Tofu with Wilted Spinach and Yogurt- The book says this is a play on Sang Paneer which is a classical Indian dish. The only difference with this recipe is that it exchanges cheese, which is found in the traditional dish, for tofu. I'm not completely sold on the trade off. Tofu is growing on me but I need it cut small and cooked well-done for it to be more palatable. Ms. Boyardee knows how I like it so I was good to go. I'm a sucker for spicy things, and even more of a sucker for spicy things on top of rice. Ms. Boyardee surprised me and had already started this before I got home from work. I came home to onions and garlic roasting away (a smell I may bottle and sell as cologne) and asked what I could do to help. My job, to smash tiny little seeds and spices with a mallet. Cooking is fun AND destructive. You basically cook onions, garlic and tofu, then add all the spices, then wilt spinach ( about 2 lbs) into it, then add Greek yogurt. I wasn't sold on the yogurt at first but after trying it it gave a balance to the spiciness ( pretty much a food critic comment, lets pretend I know what I'm talking about). And yet again Ms. Boyardee made a delicious meal and had a presentation that is doppelganger worthy. Notice me holding the book in the top left. Ms. Boyardee will have a career with food photography and I may move into hand modeling.

Rating:
Ms. B: 9.5/10 She wanted a ten but I told her that's impossible
J: 6.5/10 Yum

The Yoga Incident-So I have been going strong with the old vegetarian efforts. Stifling my stomach at the three pounds of bacon that was made while camping a couple weeks ago, and sticking to a liquid diet when I'm out for beer and wings. Which is just beer, gotta make sacrifices right? So when Ms. Boyardee asked me if I wanted to go to hot yoga with her, her new favourite pass time, I figured it could only add to the healthy streak I'm on and I could probably sweat out a beer or two while I was at it.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with yoga, it is defined as a discipline, which includes breath control, simple meditation, and adoption of specific bodily postures, used for health and relaxation. My current understanding of the class, after taking it, is that it's goal is to humiliate the inflexible. I literally cannot sit on the ground without supporting myself with my hands, I'm that inflexible. Relaxation? Impossible. HOT Yoga is humiliating the inflexible in 30 degree weather and 99.9% humidity. I was sweating in the change room. When we finally got in, Ms. Boyardee instructed me to place my mat down and grab some large wooden brick like things. She then instructed me to take my shirt off because " all the guys do it". Big mistake.

I started off pretty well, breathing deeply, relaxing.....then the class started. Ninety seconds into it my mat was wet and I was dripping sweat everywhere. I felt bad for the person who was renting the mat after me as I assumed no amount of soap could get rid of it.. Three pulled groins later I was attempting a position, which I know can only be called "The Human Pretzel". The instructor stated that if It was difficult to have your elbows on the ground, you can place on block underneath to make it easier for you. Ms. Boyardee did not require blocks. Meanwhile I stole hers and had a Lego fortress built under my arms.  Then came an easy stretch. Lie flat on your back, and bring your knees towards your stomach. Sounds easy enough. All of a sudden, a large LOUD, fart noise comes from underneath my back. The sweat, and mat, in conjunction with my NAKED back's apparent physiological predisposition for making fart noises led to what sounded like a loose rectum to EVERYONE in the class...including Ms. Boyardee. We had to do the stretch three times, I refrained.

Ms. Boyardee turned to me and said " did you hear that?" and I immediately responded with "It was the mat!" and she burst out laughing, I don't think she believed me. The class ended and I spent five minutes trying to convince her that it was my naked back and the mat, which led to her screaming out as the rest of the class walked by " It's OK, everybody farts".

I had to prove myself. When we got home, I took off my shirt, performed the dreaded stretch move, and alas, the back fart emerged once again. However, Ms. Boyardee immediately thought I was ACTUALLY FARTING.....AGAIN. Finally after backfarting like 20 times in a row did she agree that it was my naked back and not a case of flatulence. I have another class tomorrow, I think I'll keep my shirt on.