Recipe #666: Eggs

So we had a little bit of an incident just occur and I thought it best that I narrate what happened, mostly for the pleasure of all our followers but also just in case the police find my body...and they will have this as written evidence.

The Boyardee family graciously bought us a egg poacher for Easter...little did they know that buying Ms. Boyardee an AK-47 would have been a safer choice for me and the rest of Ottawa's population. Ms. Boyardee awoke from sleeping after a night shift and I suggested using our new egg poacher to make some breakfast...my fault I know.

I came out from the shower and she happily handed me two eggs and had two of her own ready and waiting. When I cut into my egg, I noticed it was slliiiightly undercooked....but I would have eaten it...along with a dozen raw eggs...instead of showing Ms. Boyardee that her eggs were slightly undercooked. She however.....did notice...(DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN) she first thought it was only one egg and quickly asked "getmeanotherbowlLIKENOW".....she added "like now" on the end because I was already late in doing what she wanted before she finished her sentence.

I Hussain Bolted to the cupboard, got a bowl and she transferred her one "good" egg into it....crisis averted....WRONG...she cut into that egg....which was also undercooked and HELL BROKE LOSE. I think she blacked out right about then but luckily I was a witness. She screamed....said some things that make Gordon Ramsey look like a nursery rhyme reader and threw her eggs and toast across the counter and into the sink.

I quickly threw my food in the microwave so she couldn't use it as a projectile and very smoothly pulled her butter knife away from her immediate area. I cleaned up all the mess as Ms. Boyardee was busy making another batch of poached eggs. I insisted that my eggs were OK once they were microwaved and she said "Thats like eating SHIT".....cooked eggs and shit....very comparable...obviously. She then ripped my toast out of my hand insisting it too was undercooked and I let her know it was fine. She had already, in her food rage, put more bread in the toaster (hers was underwater in the sink) however "had not planned" and this toast would be cold once her eggs were ready....I volunteered to eat it...mostly to avoid being single.

Her second batch....was done...and prior to plating them I had a discussion with her as to what will occur if those two eggs aren't perfect...she responded "I'll kill everyone".....I wish that wasn't a direct quote. Luckily these eggs were perfection and I doted on her every need for the next 10 minutes....ketchup? yes ma'am, water? yes ma'am. Diffusing is somewhat of a gift of mine...however some bombs...or bombshells....cannot be diffused at times.

We when debriefed about the incident, she insisted that her response was her "controlled rage". She told me that if she hadn't "controlled" herself or if I wasn't there as a witness, "eggs would have been across the room...not in the sink...the poacher would be in the garbage and I wouldn't eat eggs again for 8 months". I pray that we never see her "uncontrolled" rage....if I do....you won't be hearing from me.

Recipes #23 & #24: Roasted Beets and Edamame with Arugula & Coconut Lime Souffle

Ms. Boyardee and I have been talking about making a soufflé for awhile now as it is supposed to be incredibly difficulty, and it was time we stepped our game up. We decided on a regular old delicious beet salad for the other recipe and cracked a bottle of wine and got to work.

The beet salad called for roasted edamame and golden beets ( the title of my next rap album). It was fairly simple, all we had to do was drizzle shelled edamame with olive oil, salt and pepper, and then roast it in the oven for 25 minutes or until golden (my second rap album title). We couldn't find golden beets so we instead just used regular red beets and needed to drizzle them in olive oil and roast them for a about an hour.  The hour and a half we had for roasting allowed for plenty of time to drink wine and....listen to frank sinatra...and drink wine....and did I mention wine? When the roasting is finished we add the edamame and beets with olive oil, vinegar and some arugula. The roasted edamame act like bean croutons and the only change I would have made is to add cheese ( this is a common theme of mine).

The soufflé was exactly what it is made out to be.....pretty damn hard. Now we all know Ms. Boyardee has the patience of a saint, unless of course she is in the kitchen, then her patience is similar to that of Gordon Ramsey of Hell's Kitchen.....but chef Gordon swears less.  We had to mix coconut milk, lime zest, and started heating it up, we then added Ms. Boyardee's dreaded corn meal. For some reason, Ms. Boyardee hates corn meal...its smell, texture, and name. I therefore had to handle the corn meal as she compared it to "scratching a chalkboard times a million"....it's more like.....weird flour to me. While I was whisking that mixture Ms. Boyardee separated some egg whites and eggs yolks. I took my heated mixture and had to slowly pour it into the egg yolks so that they wouldn't cook. Once the whole thing was mixed we then put in back on low heat and whisked some more. I whisked so much I didn't have to go to the gym that day....or the previous 6 months prior....and probably all summer....Anyways we then had to let that mixture set and cool in the fridge...which allowed ample time to refill on the wine. Note below...the man bun and tongue out, this is the proper whisking technique required.

When it cooled, sugar was added to the egg yolks and it was whisked into a meringue type mixture. We mixed both mixtures together and put it all into ramekins with more lime zest. We put the ramekins into the oven and set the timer. Now for all intensive purposes, I will say that there may have been a mishap with the oven settings but I also don't want to be murdered so I will say it was my fault. We....sorry....IIII had it on the wrong setting and although it rose a lot and looks great...only the top half was cooked through. Im still working on getting Ms. Boyardee to try another soufflé recipe and will ensure all sharp objects are put away when we try it....but I'm sure well nail it next time....maybe we didn't have enough wine.